RIP, friends

I attended a funeral service on Saturday. A very sad, somber and sobering service, more so even,  than your standard funeral for several reasons. The coffin that greeted funeral goers contained that of a 30-year old young man who’d died of a massive heart attack, while in the company of ‘friends’. Sitting here peacefully at age 32, that alone, touched me. We all know life is short, but not 30 years short, typically. As I looked around the small chapel, attached to the funeral home, where the service was held, I was also struck by how many of the approximate 130 seats were empty. Of the 130 seats, over a hundred were empty. The room contained no more than 25 people, including the funeral directors. A pitiful turnout to celebrate the life of an individual who was happiest in the company of others and was always willing to give his last to help another. Whether his last was money, time or energy, he would offer it to you with a smile. At the time of his death, he’d opened his home to someone who’d needed a place to stay. Sadly though, as I looked around his service, I couldn’t find any of those people he would so effortlessly and kindly assist with their lives. They couldn’t take a minute out of their continued life to appreciate someone who’d been a friend to them. And now obvious they were never his friends in life, it was still disconcerting that they couldn’t still couldn’t see past themselves in his dying.

“It was as if he were never here,” was a comment voiced during a discussion I was having about this individual. So powerful in the sentiment, that that comment will always remain with me, because of what it represented. The truth is, he WAS here, and I’m sure he never thought his life would end with only twenty people celebrating him. Most of us have more family than that who would at least come for a free meal (granted there was no repast at this service, but still) or to see what you looked like ‘going home.’ As I continued my lament about how disrespectful and unappreciative people are, I was struck with a thought that began whispering itself to me last year. ‘It’s about who you surround yourself with.’ And that’s when I started making some changes. I used to believe that as long as you knew a person’s character, you could still be around them because you’d know how to deal with them. But the older I get, the more I realize that’s not true. It’s never worth it to have in-genuine people in your circle because they will never have your best interests in their heart, only what they can take. And that will last until the day you die, and possibly beyond, as this man, who died on June 9, still has an apartment occupied by someone who didn’t even think enough of him to bid him a final farewell. 

So I began focusing on genuine, loving and reciprocal relationships. I want to invest in others who want to invest in me. As I journey down this new road, that has meant the death of some friendships and the severe limiting of other relationships, which has not been easy, but has proven well worth it to date. So though I hated to bid ado to such a young, selfless soul, I was reaffirmed in my decision to bid ado to those meaningless relationships that I’d held onto for way too long. RIP!

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Getting to My Happy

So I have been recently going on random Facebook rants about happiness, finding happiness, being happy, staying happy, happy, happy, happy, to the point where I thought people may have thought I’d gone crazy. So I relaxed the amount of happiness posts, though the sentiment and the want to pen something poignant about it still remained close to heart. Thus this post was born. Ahhhhh (cue the angelic singing). But the true birth of my happiness fest was hard fought and quite cliche actually. You know how it goes, I’d been living a pretty happy life: contented relationship, beautiful babies, booming business, great friends, with sides of leisurely pleasure, like traveling, thrown in at my discretion. Then Life happened. As it always seems to do at the most inconvenient time, as if there is ever a good time for disaster. Without boring you with the petty details of my cozy little life’s unraveling, I’ll sum it up by saying I was hit in all the areas I just mentioned. Talk about going from 100 to 0! Relationship on the rocks, baby hospitalized, long term friendships ended as quickly as they’d begun. Then the depression of things falling apart set in as a dark cloud over my life for what I consider too long. The pressure of things falling apart for a perfectionist is indescribable. I hadn’t failed at much at life at this point, so to be seemingly failing at everything was too much. I no longer saw the joys of raising my babies, but was burdened more by responsibilities of parenting. I looked at everything wrong in my relationship and everything I felt I was missing in my partner and let it upset me. I lost the exuberance that I’d had to build and maintain a business. I was affected.

Affected and isolated. As I drove myself deeper and deeper into my problems, I began to feel like I couldn’t trust anyone, as my trust had just been freshly shattered, so I didn’t feel I could even talk to anyone. This lasted for months and months on end, characterized by me going through the motions of participating in life, but not enjoying it. But as they say, ‘you get sick and tired of being sick and tired,’ I looked at my beautiful daughter and son who seemed to have advanced to the next stage of maturation right before my eyes without me really seeing it happen. And it scared me. I realized I didn’t want to miss another moment of right now because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I no longer wanted to give the people who’d hurt me the power of  stealing my happiness by allowing the negative emotions associated with those people and the events that had transpired in the past to overcome me in the present. Instead, I choose to learn from those mistakes, and take them happily with me into the future.

So on my fight back to happy, I learned that happiness truly was a choice. And as I write here today, most things in my life have not been pieced back even close to a shadow of its’ former self, but I can’t let that be the definition of my happiness. Today, I don’t want to make my happiness another person’s responsibility. My happiness is so fragile, I choose to take care of it myself. I don’t want to define my happiness by arbitrary societal standards. I want to define my happiness by feeling like I am contributing to my life’s purpose: to be an excellent mother, a compassionate human, and a voice of truth, with sides of leisurely pleasure thrown in at my discretion.

Dream Girl

Dream Girl.

Dream Girl

In your conscious effort to forget me

I visit you in your dreams

Your subconscious letting you know

We can’t control this thing

That’s been ignited

Should we fight it

Try and hide it

The uniqueness of our situation

All the complexities

Yet we remain

As unfulfilled fantasies

So I’ll be be your dream girl

Until we make dreams a reality

Happy Father’s Day!

Alright,  first and foremost,  I’m going to kick this post off by reiterating my annoyance at this non-ceasing holiday schedule of commercialism. Nearly every month there’s some contrived  holiday to take some of your hard – earned money in the name of fun, love remembrance, or guilt. But personal feelings aside, after listening to a week of my so (significant other) complaining about the lack of respect this particular holiday receives, my initial reaction was,  ‘who cares?’  Most years my birthday and Mother’s day fall within days of each other enticing those close to me to gift me a ‘two for one’ type deal. And I don’t feel any less of a mother or any less celebrated.  But I began to reconsider when I thought about the importance of fathers and the seeming lack of great ones.  I don’t really even talk to my father and that’s the case for many people I know, but when I think about my children’s father, I am filled with a sense of gratitude for everything he does and is for these kids.

Parenting is definitely a dual-role occupation, with a father’s role being just as important as the mothers, for that child’s complete emotional development. I know the broken relationship that exists between my father and I has lead to some gaps in my life for which I have to work overtime to compensate. So though this is still a fabricated holiday to make Hallmark a little wealthier,  I do think our fathers who willingly and lovingly handle and exceed their paternal responsibilities need to be appreciated.  So ladies,  please let our fathers know you APPRECIATE all they do, not just today, but everyday. Happy Father’s Day loves! Continue to be the excellent fathers you have been and if you haven’t been, believe me, it’s never too late to start!

Love and Blessings

She’s back! But wait, why?

Well. Here I am. Back in this virtual vortex of information and ideas aka the Internet, bursting with my own thoughts, ready to share with the world. So I took some time off from my newly created blog last year, a lot of time (time flies) actually, to complete some other ventures and to reevaluate the purpose of my blog. I must admit that over this past year, I’ve sucked in social media networks. Mainly Facebook, because reading the posts of others was not only entertaining beyond belief, but it made me realize how many emotionally broken people are trying to make their way through this thing called life and could maybe benefit from an encouraging word or different perspective. So I felt that it was my duty to use one of my gifts, writing, to uplift and encourage others. With that being said, I am not expecting everyone to agree with everything I post. What I expect is a thorough reading of my comments, blogs, poems, quotes, etc. and my reader’s honest feedback. Agreeing with me or not. I can respect differences of opinions as long we keep this a respectful platform. I also realized that I needed my blog as much as I may feel people need to read it. Writing has always been a huge part of my private life that I’m ready to take public, and what better way to start that process than your very own blog. So I am committed to bringing my followers fresh, hopefully thought-provoking content that will carry over into their lives to help them become the best them possible, or at least a more conscious them.

So who the hell am I? I’m sure you’re probably wondering. I know I would be. Well I tell everyone, I’m no one really. Just  girl with an opinion. That I’ve thought about before I’ve expressed. Which you don’t tend to get a lot of these days. But besides being an opinionated, Miami-born, life-bred woman, I guess I have to list my professional credentials, which may or most likely may not pertain to my postings. I am a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist by training and I’ve practiced in the field for over 11 years. Shortly after graduating with my masters degree from the University of Florida with a 4.0 GPA in 2005, I opened my owned therapy company in 2007, which currently operates with myself and several other therapists. In addition, I’ve also started two other companies, one with a focus on women’s fashion, and the other, real estate. Believe me, this is NOT an attempt to toot my own horn, as I am still striving to get where I want to be, but I do believe in checking resumes, so for those of the same accord, there’s mine in a nutshell. Actual copies upon request. But more importantly than the paperwork I hold, I consider myself an observer, one of my favorite titles. An observer of people, of situations, of life. I observe and analyze so much it gives me a headache sometimes. But I believe this deep analysis often brings a different perspective.

So hopefully, when you read my blog, you’ll leave saying, ‘hmm, I never thought about it like that before,’ or ‘I never thought about that at all!’ And if you read something worth sharing, I encourage you to do so. Spread the message! Get the word out! Thewritegirl305 has something to say!

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